Do you remember being choked in front of 10-20 people? Everyone said it looked so good and I don't think that anyone could ever really touch this and even if they wanted to I don't think that they could but it's alright and it's ok packed up all of your things and moved to the city and did better on your first try than any of us could or ever will but I know you could do better than that and I know you could do worse and you have October 31st, 2020's sneakin up on you but you knew that and I know I got a little Tom Wayne Gacy Jr. somewhere deep in my bones the jealousy that I feel when I'm very angry is something I can't control and it's alright to feel that way sometimes but it's constant it's sharp and it hurts I wanna cut you into little pieces and watch those pieces burn but I know you could do better than that and I know you could do worse and you have October 31st, 2020's sneakin up on you but you knew that Where would I go if I'd taken that path, where would I be if I'd taken that track Would I be here right next to your side would you be here right next to mine oh the violence and the substance abuse and the silence that I'm getting from you is leaving my ears ringing and I don't think that they'll ever be normal no I don't think that I'll ever be normal keep your head up this time we'll make it through the year might lose a little blood but things will be better here keep your chin up kid we made it this far the skin we lost along the way will be replaced by battle scares keep your head up this time we'll make it through the year might lose a little blood but things will be better here keep your chin up kid we made it this far the skin we lost along the way will be replaced by battle scares Where would I go if I'd taken that path, where would I be if I'd taken that track Would I be here right next to your side would you be here right next to mine oh the violence and the substance abuse and the silence that I'm getting from you is leaving my ears ringing and I don't think that they'll ever be normal no I don't think that I'll ever be normal

That day in the library I told you the truth and you sculpted me into a machine with nothing else to lose you gave me laser eyes and Gatlin guns for arms put a microchip inside my brain and put me behind bars and like a teenage boy trying to remove his braces I will take a pair of pliers and dig out all the pieces that belong to you I don't want em I don't need them to help me find my way heard your voice ringing in my ears since I failed you in 7th grade With my new found powers I will kill everyone from high school with these military-grade explosives, they'll all be sorry with these rocket launchers, I will level the whole town from walnut creek all the way to broad and 360 and with it dies the very worst years of my life You filled my head with hopes and aspirations till my body count was well into the millions of people I'd loved I'd send you pictures of their bruised and bloody faces and listen to them try to speak as they choke on their own blood and like a younger me pleading with a god I loved I will kick and scream and hurt myself until you have given up and let me die with a smile on my face and a cigarette in my mouth when I walk into the darkness I hope no one is around With my new found powers I'll return with the utmost vengeance and kill everyone who has ever owned an apple watch with my brand new body, I will be beautiful and pretty and I will love you more than ever, bad decisions can't be stopped and with them I will recreate the very worst years of my life That day in the library I told you the truth I didn't know things would get this bad and I would regret meeting you now you can't stop me, the empathy or lack thereof the hours spent in solitary not trying to throw up should've cleaned my room should've made my bed should've done a lot of things but I didn't but I didn't With my new found powers I will kill everyone from high school with these military-grade explosives, they'll all be sorry with these rocket launchers, I will level the whole town from walnut creek all the way to broad and 360 and with it dies the very worst years of my life

There's a lot of people in that closet in that house they're all decomposed for sure they're all skeletons by now and I need to find another place to put them besides by desktop computer or the back of my head I wanna know when you're doing well and when you're not I wanna know if there's any super good deals at taco box I wanna know if your roommate's still just being a bitch I know it's hard now but soon we'll be over it and I had a lot to lose had a little more to gain like the people who hate pennies I have an aversion to change I wanna know where you got that yellow cardigan I wanna know if it's as comfortable as it looks when you're wearing it and does it keep you warm at night or is it as useless as me when I am trying I wanna know where you'd park your car when you were sad I wanna know where you would go to smoke secret cigarettes was it always your spot or did you steal it from someone else after you broke up and I had a lot to lose had a little more to gain like the people who hate pennies I have an aversion to change I wanna know where you got that little scar of your were you as sad as me or were you mowing the yard does it hurt when you touch it like it did when it was fresh or do you see it more when you are super depressed There's a lot of people in that closet in that house they're all decomposed for sure they're all skeletons by now and I need to find another place to put them besides by desktop computer or the back of my head

Heard your voice for the first time in a long time and ever since then I've been having nightmares my teeth keep falling out of my gums every night and not even superglue will help them stay there and every time I call you up just kidding that is something that is something I would never ever ever ever do you are a 14-year old I am your parents you hate me more than I hate you and I know you're desperate for a little escape and sometimes it takes whole weeks to numb the pain a little self-help never hurt nobody but nobody ever self-helps like me gotta hold on to the good times at least for a while cuz the good times seems to go real fast the bad times have been around for years they got a rent-controlled apartment in the back of my head and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon they love the amenities love the view they trash the joint at least once a week the security deposit won't cover these things but I think they stopped caring a long long time ago you got a flat on your way down to Austin in your Honda civic now you're calling triple A but there's a wait time a couple hours and I'm so sorry I had to go and ruin your whole day I am the wind that ruins your hair when you are walking to class in the morning easily preventable laughably so you saw all the signs you saw all the warnings and I know you like to blame everything on me took me a while to figure that one out spent a couple months whining and screaming but now you're by yourself gotta hold on to the good times at least for a while cuz the good times seems to go real fast the bad times have been around for years they got a rent-controlled apartment in the back of my head and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon they love the amenities love the view they trash the joint at least once a week the security deposit won't cover these things but I think they stopped caring a long long time ago but maybe I'll catch you in Denver or maybe I won't maybe I could send you a postcard I'd think you like you'll tell me that you don't maybe I'll see you in Denton but probably not maybe I could tell you some very nice thing but I think that I forgot them I keep saying that I'll see you around but I never do I keep trying to think of nice things to say but all I can think of is fuck you gotta hold on to the good times at least for a while cuz the good times seems to go real fast the bad times have been around for years they got a rent-controlled apartment in the back of my head and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon they love the amenities love the view they trash the joint at least once a week the security deposit won't cover these things but I think they stopped caring a long long time ago

I was crying in the lobby cuz giant flies would eat my friends when the moon turned to blood and everything ends and no one would explain to me why god would do these things they just said don't masturbate and stop lying from age 8 to 13 I cried myself to sleep wondering how the same god that loved us was the same god that would kill me he seemed more like a bully like Roy or George Bush and that's when i started sleeping in so I wouldn't have to go to church and I'll take the lord's name in vain I'll get a tattoo and I'll smoke and I'll drink and I'll have a little coffee but not too much coffee cuz coffee makes me anxious just like you make me anxious but if it still makes you feel better like it used to just know that I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you and then all my heroes well my heroes became evil at their worst they were monsters and their best they were people and that when I stopped believing god bless Helen Mar Kimball and everyone she ever knew I'm terribly sorry this happened to you So I'll take the lord's name in vain I'll get a tattoo and I'll smoke and I'll drink and I'll have a little coffee but not too much coffee cuz coffee makes me anxious just like you make me anxious but if it still makes you feel better like it used to just know that I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you

Well I turned 13 7 years ago that was the first time I felt I didn't have a home cuz razor blades and pairs of siccors strung out on my desk and when I told you you but them in the closet next to a notebook where I would pour my love you took it away from me but I didn't give it up and now I wish that I could read those love letters I wrote her handwriting was atrocious but it made me comfortable and I spent three years just holding on for dear life I spent the next three after that just trying to make this life mine I started smoking cigarettes and I started doing drugs I would do anything to fill the hole that once housed your love and then I went to college and things started getting worse I cut off contact and I started drinking more and I think it helped for a little while Christine would help me through the pain but then I'd wake up so hungover and full of hate and my dad thinks I don't like him and I can't say that's not true cuz after everything that's happened it's getting harder to forgive you and my sisters are moving far away I think they're trying to keep their distance they've been warned what I might say by my parents and I spent three years just holding on for dear life I spent the next three after that just trying to make this life mine I started smoking cigarettes and I started doing drugs I would do anything to fill the hole that once housed your love and I know you know all about Victoria and I know you know everything I was keeping secret underneath the surface it's much more than what it seems dad that's the saddest smile that I think I've ever seen and now I'm disconnected with everyone I love I started playing it off like I was cooler and tough I started rolling with the wrong crowd doing drugs I started hating myself instead of picking you up and now I am pushing away everyone that I love I started telling myself that I was more than enough I started rolling with the wrong crowd killing cops I started hating myself instead of falling in love and now I'm disconnected with everyone I love I started playing it off like I was cooler and tough I started rolling with the wrong crowd doing drugs I started hating myself instead of picking you up and now I am pushing away everyone that I love I started telling myself that I was more than enough I started rolling with the wrong crowd killing cops I started hating myself instead of falling in love and I know you know all about Victoria and I know you know everything I was keeping secret underneath the surface it's much more than what it seems dad that's the saddest smile that I think I've ever seen and I know you know all about Victoria and I know you know everything I was keeping secret underneath the surface it's much more than what it seems dad that's the saddest smile that I think I've ever seen

They say there's money in sales why don't you give it a try you can't expect to do theatre for all of your life it's not a panda express or a barns and noble it'll keep your wallet lined and your belly full and that's more than I can say right now cuz I wanna buy my pretty girlfriend a pretty house wrapping cables with a hard hat on it never paid the bills that's cuz broadway's for rich kids with time to kill keep the internet on keep the heat turned up snuggled up under the covers just you me and our laptop take the dogs for a walk in the blistering cold never thought I would like it when I was living in New Mexico but I guess that I can say that now got my winter coat on and it's so cold out wrapping cables with a hard hat on it never paid the bills that's cuz broadway's for rich kids with time to kill and I think I'm happier now than I ever was in the desert heat in the blistering sun I guess everything up to now has been bullshit there's no money in music i should just give it up who wants to listen to me whine who wants to check out the Bandcamp but the last thing that Susan Larson ever said if I stop writing songs then I'll probably end up dead but now I think I'm so proud I stole this guitar I'm singing loud wrapping cables with a hard hat on it never paid the bills that's cuz broadway's for rich kids with time to kill and I think I'm happier now than I ever was in the desert heat in the blistering sun I guess everything up to now has been bullshit and I think I'm happier now than I ever was in the desert heat in the blistering sun I guess everything up to now has been bullshit

The guilt became a sadness the sadness turned into rage the rage became a loathing I was pulling the skin from your face when you called and told me you were sorry for that one time in the mall but it's too late the next time that I see you oh my eyes will be full of hate and then you'll see that if I'm going to hell is taking you with me The guilt became a sadness the sadness turned into rage the rage became a loathing I was pulling the skin from your face

Saw a pair of glowing eyes in the woods yesterday tried screaming out loud so they would leave me alone tried doing the same to you cuz you only talk to me when you are drunk or fucked up or somewhere in between the middle of nowhere New Mexico or somewhere stuck in New Jersey but I know I could do better than that and I know I could do worse and I have I get the feeling that you're sneaking up behind me but you already knew that but you keep leaving trails of blood and guts that lead into the woods I'm gonna follow them although I know I shouldn't but I need a little bit of closure and I need a little bit of sleep and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me saw a pair of glowing eyes in the woods yesterday turned tail and ran through the quarry home just like I would in high school whenever I saw them alone and it doesn't matter now cuz she's married she has a couple kids and sometimes I look down at my arm and I wonder if it was worth it but I know I could do better than that and I know I could do worse and I have I get the feeling that you're sneaking up behind me but you already knew that but you keep leaving trails of blood and guts that lead into the woods I'm gonna follow them although I know I shouldn't but I need a little bit of closure and I need a little bit of sleep and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me but how does it feel to be successful how does it feel to be anybody and how does it feel to be living with your boyfriend in a major metropolitan city but I don't feel bad I bet you do You'll probably wind up dead in your Prius body dumped in a river in Texas and I hope that the next time you see us you'll be addicted to drugs like the rest of us well I'm addicted to drugs like the rest of us you'll be addicted to drugs like the rest of us well I'm addicted to drugs like the rest of us you keep leaving trails of blood and guts that lead into the woods I'm gonna follow them although I know I shouldn't but I need a little bit of closure and I need a little bit of sleep and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me

The best feeling ever is driving very very very very fast down deserted roads at one in the morning with my windows rolled down and its 32 degrees out I could almost swear that I'm flying and the best feeling ever is just buying you food watching that happy look spread across your face best $13.98 that I think I'd ever spend on two bowls of mac and cheese and the best feeling ever is when you pick up the phone when I call you after just one ring and I know you were probably just on facebook or something but you talk to me without hesitating the best feeling ever is just driving home from work when it's cold out and we have nothing left to do we'll watch some TV we'll make a pizza maybe finish a wine bottle or two but you know me I'm a sucker for being sad when I should be happy cuz I'm the ultimate killjoy the ultimate pain the best ever nomad at staying in place if you could find your way up here I'd find mine out just as quickly by the time you made it up to Trinidad I'd be hiding out in salt lake city in the heart of the fire in the belly of the beast the city I was born in never looked that good to me cuz I'm the ultimate killjoy the ultimate pain the best ever nomad at staying in place if you could find your way up here I'd find mine out just as quickly by the time you made it up to Trinidad I'd be hiding out in salt lake city in the heart of the fire in the belly of the beast the city I was born in never looked that good to me no amount of Xanax or Lexapro or Celexa will ever fix this serotonin machine's broke could I get you something different It's been this way since I was 12 nothing really changes except the fact my medicine are now slightly less than prescription and I keep having this dream that they find you under a bridge body all torn and mangled and eyeballs missing from their sockets after months of investigation they will find them You''re proud but also scared of me and I think that that makes sense cuz out of everyone you know well I'm not one of them You''re proud but also scared of me and I think that that makes sense cuz out of everyone you know well I'm not one of them that punk kid who did well in school I graduated summa cum laude Immediately got a job out of college and moved up to Rapid City in the heart of the fire in the belly of the beast the city I was born in never looked that good to me cuz I'm the ultimate killjoy the ultimate pain the best ever nomad at staying in place if you could find your way up here I'd find mine out just as quickly by the time you made it up to Trinidad I'd be hiding out in salt lake city in the heart of the fire in the belly of the beast the city I was born in never looked that good to me

The feeling I get when I'm driving home and it's foggy outside and my lights are on and it raining hard to it's me versus the water and my mind is cloudy and my eyes are glazed and I will take a drink to ease the pain and think about everything that I think that I've ever done wrong but the laws of physics are hard to break so I'll be breaking hard when the car started shaking and end up wrapped around a tree like it's my closest friend they'll be blood and guts and organs and squirrels nibbling on what's left no I never meant to hurt you I was just trying to do right you know I was stuck in high school and now I'm trying to apologize no I never meant to hurt you I never thought talking could do any harm to anyone and I know I have no right to keep writing you these songs the feeling I get when I'm stuck at work and I'm sneaking drinks behind the cooler and no one will ever figure out that anything's wrong I'll be slurring my words and tripping on my own feet I'll be bouncing around and acting oh so happy and by the time they figure it out it'll be too late but the laws of physics are hard to break so I'll be breaking hard when the car starts shaking and accidentally end up killing a family of four I'll never make it home and I'll never eat your dinner no I never meant to hurt you I said that I was always fine and I know I'm dead and buried It's too late to apologize no I never thought talking would do any harm to anyone and I know I have no right to keep writing you these songs no I never meant to hurt you I said that I was always fine and I know I'm dead and buried It's too late to apologize no I never meant to hurt you I said that I was always fine and I know I'm dead and buried It's too late to apologize no I never meant to hurt you I said that I was always fine and I know I'm dead and buried It's too late to apologize

Somewhere in the desolate land between Lubbock Texas and Portales New Mexico there's a firework stand with this weird off green coloring and the black sloppy letters give me hope and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt not the stab wound the burn marks the unkind words but if you gotta go I think you should go get outta dodge so I can cry alone and if you gotta leave well I think that you should get some help you know I would if I could somewhere in the desolate land between Lubbock Texas and Denton just off campus there's a cigarette but with my lipstick on it starting wildfires and burning acres to ashes it'll be so pretty watching the sunset over miles of fire as I have trouble breathing and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt not the loneliness or the stolen shirts but if you gotta go I think you should go get outta dodge so I can cry alone and if you gotta leave well that's alright I hope I see you one day before I die Somewhere in an empty house on Arizona I left you to fend for yourself left you a couple songs and my PlayStation I know my whiny bitch ass is no help now nothing is the same as it was when you were here I miss getting high and playing star wars on my floor while drinking beer and I miss those years more than I miss the 18 that were before steven listen up this is for you cuz you are my brother and I love everything was beautiful and nothing hurt not the leaving the goodbye the unsaid words but if you gotta go I think you should go get outta dodge so I can cry alone and if you gotta leave I understand I hope one day I get to see your face again

Always the black sheep never the favorite I bet you know what I mean grew up in a small town you were always the best at whatever you were trying to be and all of your friends well they're big big dicks and I guess that's not that surprising the constant dysphoria you get and I hope to god I'm helping but I gave up way too early started working shitty jobs that I hate and I hope you don't look up to me even when i'm up so high on that stage cuz I know well enough to know that you deserve the best I hope you make it out of that town and make it to Texas breathe in act out pop some poison in your mouth always the reject, never the first choice I bet you know what that's like went to school in a small town ad I got fucked up almost every night I made some bad habits I'll carry them to my grave when I die at 29 probably never seeing you again cuz we both know we're running out of time and I gave up way too early started hating shitty things like my job I hope to god that you forget me by the time that you're grown up cuz I know you well enough to know that you deserve the best I hope you make it out of this town and back to Texas breathe in act out pop some poison in your mouth always the high school loser that would grow up to do great great things I always thought that loophole would someday apply to me now I see things are just as they seem once a loser always a loser now I know just what you called me once a loser always a loser now I see things are just as they seem once a loser always a loser now I know just what you called me once a loser always a loser and I gave up way too early started working shitty jobs that I hate and I hope you don't look up to me even when I'm up so high on that stage cuz I know well enough to know that you deserve the best I hope you make it out of this town and back to Texas once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser once a loser always a loser always a loser

First time I had a drink I was sitting in your bedroom made an appointment to follow up later that week and the first time I got drunk I was sitting in the back room with my boss he said you look a little down can I offer you some HappyHappy and then the shaman was born he knew how to take away the pain just like his father before him he knew he would die alone someday hey hey hey hey and then things started picking up he was wild and free fell asleep next to beer cans on a futon that was never made for sleeping on and no one really cared cuz he minded his own the life of the party hiding alone in his bedroom on his knees praying to a god that he never believed in that the people that he loved would one day love him and praying to a god that he used to believe in that the people that he loved would make it to heaven praying to a god that he never believed in that the people that he loved would one day love him and praying to a god that he used to believe in that the people that he loved would make it to heaven without him and then the shaman was born he knew how to take away the pain just like his father before him he knew he would die alone one day hey hey hey hey and then the shaman was born he knew how to take away the pain just like his father before him he knew he would die alone someday hey hey hey hey

Didn't have a drink last night but I would hardly call myself sober been drinking hard for months on end gonna be one hell of a hangover and there hasn't been a night in a long long while I didn't finish off with a beer or whiskey singing oh my god singing me oh my my insides must look so squeaky squeaky clean but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol and my time spent in bathrooms the months I spent spinning the angry angry angry angry feeling not gonna have a drink today but I still wouldn't call myself sober cuz I know myself and I'm afraid that I'm never gonna get better and I'd rather take it a day at a time cuz I think that's what I'm supposed to do but if I set goals I tend to fuck them up and I hate it when I lose to myself but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol and my time spent in bathrooms the months I spent spinning the angry angry angry angry feeling so I tend to quit while I'm ahead it's better for my self-esteem to give up before I started anything ever in my life plus not remembering the day before it helps me sleep and night but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol and my time spent in bathrooms the months I spent spinning the angry angry angry angry feeling but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol and I think that she's right and I think that tonight I'm gonna call up all my closest friend I'm gonna tell them I love them and tell them I miss them then tell them I'm dying then tell them I'm kidding then tell them I feel like it so kinda sorta not really but I shouldn't have to feel this bad until I feel I can tell you that I love you I can tell you that I love you wanna tell you that I love you

Like the criminal mastermind you know that you are always playing the victim whenever you can you'd burn down half of Gotham city just to impress your friends and I don't know why you thought I'd be impressed when you set your hair on fire well I get it no really I get it anything self-destructive is a thing I must admire and it is well I hope that everything's fine and everything's alright when your mom calls you sound happy you'll tell her everything fine and everything's alright then proceed with all the awful things about me my drinking my lying my smoking my bleeding the skipping my classes so I could keep sleeping it off Like a one trick pony who never got his one trick down I'll never be the star of the circus I'll never make my pony parents proud But I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright when my mom calls I'll sound happy I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright change the subject ask how my sisters are doing with the drinking the lying the smoking the bleeding the skipping their classes so they could keep sleeping it off but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school when I wasn't singing I don't want to be Mormon I never want to feel the guilt or pain again I never wanna be walking from my locker to the front doors of my high school come face to face with Lydia Anderson and look her dead in the eyes and lie through my teeth cuz if she tells her dad what I've been saying that'll mean a lot of shit for me we're talking meetings after meetings like Zach and Lauren did and everyone staring at me as I refuse the sacrament refuse the sacrament I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright when my mom calls I'll sound happy I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright change the subject ask how my sisters are doing