1. |
27 Wagons Full
03:34
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Do you remember being choked in front of 10-20 people?
Everyone said it looked so good
and I don't think that anyone could ever really touch this and even if they wanted to I don't think that they could
but it's alright and it's ok
packed up all of your things and moved to the city
and did better on your first try than any of us could or ever will
but I know you could do better than that
and I know you could do worse and you have
October 31st, 2020's sneakin up on you but you knew that
and I know I got a little Tom Wayne Gacy Jr. somewhere deep in my bones
the jealousy that I feel when I'm very angry is something I can't control
and it's alright to feel that way sometimes but it's constant it's sharp and it hurts
I wanna cut you into little pieces and watch those pieces burn
but I know you could do better than that
and I know you could do worse and you have
October 31st, 2020's sneakin up on you but you knew that
Where would I go if I'd taken that path, where would I be if I'd taken that track
Would I be here right next to your side would you be here right next to mine
oh the violence and the substance abuse and the silence that I'm getting from you is leaving my ears ringing and I don't think that they'll ever be normal
no I don't think that I'll ever be normal
keep your head up this time we'll make it through the year
might lose a little blood but things will be better here
keep your chin up kid we made it this far
the skin we lost along the way will be replaced by battle scares
keep your head up this time we'll make it through the year
might lose a little blood but things will be better here
keep your chin up kid we made it this far
the skin we lost along the way will be replaced by battle scares
Where would I go if I'd taken that path, where would I be if I'd taken that track
Would I be here right next to your side would you be here right next to mine
oh the violence and the substance abuse and the silence that I'm getting from you is leaving my ears ringing and I don't think that they'll ever be normal
no I don't think that I'll ever be normal
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2. |
I Was a Teenage Cyborg
05:19
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That day in the library I told you the truth
and you sculpted me into a machine with nothing else to lose
you gave me laser eyes and Gatlin guns for arms
put a microchip inside my brain and put me behind bars
and like a teenage boy trying to remove his braces
I will take a pair of pliers and dig out all the pieces that belong to you
I don't want em I don't need them to help me find my way
heard your voice ringing in my ears since I failed you in 7th grade
With my new found powers I will kill everyone from high school
with these military-grade explosives, they'll all be sorry
with these rocket launchers, I will level the whole town
from walnut creek all the way to broad and 360
and with it dies the very worst years of my life
You filled my head with hopes and aspirations
till my body count was well into the millions of people I'd loved
I'd send you pictures of their bruised and bloody faces
and listen to them try to speak as they choke on their own blood
and like a younger me pleading with a god I loved
I will kick and scream and hurt myself until you have given up and let me die
with a smile on my face and a cigarette in my mouth
when I walk into the darkness I hope no one is around
With my new found powers I'll return with the utmost vengeance
and kill everyone who has ever owned an apple watch
with my brand new body, I will be beautiful and pretty
and I will love you more than ever, bad decisions can't be stopped
and with them I will recreate the very worst years of my life
That day in the library I told you the truth
I didn't know things would get this bad and I would regret meeting you
now you can't stop me, the empathy or lack thereof
the hours spent in solitary not trying to throw up
should've cleaned my room should've made my bed
should've done a lot of things but I didn't
but I didn't
With my new found powers I will kill everyone from high school
with these military-grade explosives, they'll all be sorry
with these rocket launchers, I will level the whole town
from walnut creek all the way to broad and 360
and with it dies the very worst years of my life
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3. |
Skeleton
03:14
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There's a lot of people in that closet in that house
they're all decomposed for sure they're all skeletons by now
and I need to find another place to put them
besides by desktop computer or the back of my head
I wanna know when you're doing well and when you're not
I wanna know if there's any super good deals at taco box
I wanna know if your roommate's still just being a bitch
I know it's hard now but soon we'll be over it
and I had a lot to lose had a little more to gain
like the people who hate pennies I have an aversion to change
I wanna know where you got that yellow cardigan
I wanna know if it's as comfortable as it looks when you're wearing it
and does it keep you warm at night
or is it as useless as me when I am trying
I wanna know where you'd park your car when you were sad
I wanna know where you would go to smoke secret cigarettes
was it always your spot
or did you steal it from someone else after you broke up
and I had a lot to lose had a little more to gain
like the people who hate pennies I have an aversion to change
I wanna know where you got that little scar of your
were you as sad as me or were you mowing the yard
does it hurt when you touch it like it did when it was fresh
or do you see it more when you are super depressed
There's a lot of people in that closet in that house
they're all decomposed for sure they're all skeletons by now
and I need to find another place to put them
besides by desktop computer or the back of my head
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4. |
||||
Heard your voice for the first time in a long time and ever since then I've been having nightmares
my teeth keep falling out of my gums every night and not even superglue will help them stay there
and every time I call you up just kidding that is something that is something I would never ever ever ever do
you are a 14-year old I am your parents you hate me more than I hate you
and I know you're desperate for a little escape and sometimes it takes whole weeks to numb the pain
a little self-help never hurt nobody but nobody ever self-helps like me
gotta hold on to the good times at least for a while cuz the good times seems to go real fast
the bad times have been around for years they got a rent-controlled apartment in the back of my head
and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon they love the amenities love the view
they trash the joint at least once a week the security deposit won't cover these things
but I think they stopped caring a long long time ago
you got a flat on your way down to Austin in your Honda civic now you're calling triple A
but there's a wait time a couple hours and I'm so sorry I had to go and ruin your whole day
I am the wind that ruins your hair when you are walking to class in the morning
easily preventable laughably so you saw all the signs you saw all the warnings
and I know you like to blame everything on me took me a while to figure that one out
spent a couple months whining and screaming but now you're by yourself
gotta hold on to the good times at least for a while cuz the good times seems to go real fast
the bad times have been around for years they got a rent-controlled apartment in the back of my head
and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon they love the amenities love the view
they trash the joint at least once a week the security deposit won't cover these things
but I think they stopped caring a long long time ago
but maybe I'll catch you in Denver or maybe I won't
maybe I could send you a postcard I'd think you like you'll tell me that you don't
maybe I'll see you in Denton but probably not
maybe I could tell you some very nice thing but I think that I forgot them
I keep saying that I'll see you around but I never do
I keep trying to think of nice things to say but all I can think of is fuck you
gotta hold on to the good times at least for a while cuz the good times seems to go real fast
the bad times have been around for years they got a rent-controlled apartment in the back of my head
and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon they love the amenities love the view
they trash the joint at least once a week the security deposit won't cover these things
but I think they stopped caring a long long time ago
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5. |
Helen Mar Kimbal
03:20
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I was crying in the lobby
cuz giant flies would eat my friends
when the moon turned to blood and everything ends
and no one would explain to me why god would do these things
they just said don't masturbate and stop lying
from age 8 to 13 I cried myself to sleep
wondering how the same god that loved us was the same god that would kill me
he seemed more like a bully like Roy or George Bush
and that's when i started sleeping in so I wouldn't have to go to church
and I'll take the lord's name in vain
I'll get a tattoo and I'll smoke and I'll drink
and I'll have a little coffee but not too much coffee
cuz coffee makes me anxious just like you make me anxious
but if it still makes you feel better like it used to
just know that I still love you I still love you
I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you
and then all my heroes well my heroes became evil
at their worst they were monsters and their best they were people
and that when I stopped believing
god bless Helen Mar Kimball
and everyone she ever knew I'm terribly sorry this happened to you
So I'll take the lord's name in vain
I'll get a tattoo and I'll smoke and I'll drink
and I'll have a little coffee but not too much coffee
cuz coffee makes me anxious just like you make me anxious
but if it still makes you feel better like it used to
just know that I still love you I still love you
I still love you I still love you I still love you I still love you
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6. |
Father
03:58
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Well I turned 13 7 years ago
that was the first time I felt I didn't have a home
cuz razor blades and pairs of siccors strung out on my desk
and when I told you you but them in the closet
next to a notebook where I would pour my love
you took it away from me but I didn't give it up
and now I wish that I could read those love letters I wrote
her handwriting was atrocious but it made me comfortable
and I spent three years just holding on for dear life
I spent the next three after that just trying to make this life mine
I started smoking cigarettes and I started doing drugs
I would do anything to fill the hole that once housed your love
and then I went to college and things started getting worse
I cut off contact and I started drinking more
and I think it helped for a little while Christine would help me through the pain
but then I'd wake up so hungover and full of hate
and my dad thinks I don't like him and I can't say that's not true
cuz after everything that's happened it's getting harder to forgive you
and my sisters are moving far away I think they're trying to keep their distance
they've been warned what I might say by my parents
and I spent three years just holding on for dear life
I spent the next three after that just trying to make this life mine
I started smoking cigarettes and I started doing drugs
I would do anything to fill the hole that once housed your love
and I know you know all about Victoria
and I know you know everything I was keeping secret
underneath the surface it's much more than what it seems
dad that's the saddest smile that I think I've ever seen
and now I'm disconnected with everyone I love
I started playing it off like I was cooler and tough
I started rolling with the wrong crowd doing drugs
I started hating myself instead of picking you up
and now I am pushing away everyone that I love
I started telling myself that I was more than enough
I started rolling with the wrong crowd killing cops
I started hating myself instead of falling in love
and now I'm disconnected with everyone I love
I started playing it off like I was cooler and tough
I started rolling with the wrong crowd doing drugs
I started hating myself instead of picking you up
and now I am pushing away everyone that I love
I started telling myself that I was more than enough
I started rolling with the wrong crowd killing cops
I started hating myself instead of falling in love
and I know you know all about Victoria
and I know you know everything I was keeping secret
underneath the surface it's much more than what it seems
dad that's the saddest smile that I think I've ever seen
and I know you know all about Victoria
and I know you know everything I was keeping secret
underneath the surface it's much more than what it seems
dad that's the saddest smile that I think I've ever seen
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7. |
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They say there's money in sales why don't you give it a try
you can't expect to do theatre for all of your life
it's not a panda express or a barns and noble
it'll keep your wallet lined and your belly full
and that's more than I can say right now
cuz I wanna buy my pretty girlfriend a pretty house
wrapping cables with a hard hat on it never paid the bills
that's cuz broadway's for rich kids with time to kill
keep the internet on keep the heat turned up
snuggled up under the covers just you me and our laptop
take the dogs for a walk in the blistering cold
never thought I would like it when I was living in New Mexico
but I guess that I can say that now
got my winter coat on and it's so cold out
wrapping cables with a hard hat on it never paid the bills
that's cuz broadway's for rich kids with time to kill
and I think I'm happier now than I ever was in the desert heat
in the blistering sun I guess everything up to now has been bullshit
there's no money in music i should just give it up
who wants to listen to me whine who wants to check out the Bandcamp
but the last thing that Susan Larson ever said
if I stop writing songs then I'll probably end up dead
but now I think I'm so proud
I stole this guitar I'm singing loud
wrapping cables with a hard hat on it never paid the bills
that's cuz broadway's for rich kids with time to kill
and I think I'm happier now than I ever was in the desert heat
in the blistering sun I guess everything up to now has been bullshit
and I think I'm happier now than I ever was in the desert heat
in the blistering sun I guess everything up to now has been bullshit
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8. |
||||
The guilt became a sadness
the sadness turned into rage
the rage became a loathing
I was pulling the skin from your face
when you called
and told me you were sorry for that one time in the mall
but it's too late
the next time that I see you oh my eyes will be full of hate
and then you'll see
that if I'm going to hell is taking you with me
The guilt became a sadness
the sadness turned into rage
the rage became a loathing
I was pulling the skin from your face
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9. |
Spoochies
03:32
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Saw a pair of glowing eyes in the woods yesterday
tried screaming out loud so they would leave me alone
tried doing the same to you
cuz you only talk to me when you are drunk
or fucked up or somewhere in between
the middle of nowhere New Mexico or somewhere stuck in New Jersey
but I know I could do better than that
and I know I could do worse and I have
I get the feeling that you're sneaking up behind me
but you already knew that
but you keep leaving trails of blood and guts that lead into the woods
I'm gonna follow them although I know I shouldn't
but I need a little bit of closure and I need a little bit of sleep
and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me
saw a pair of glowing eyes in the woods yesterday
turned tail and ran through the quarry home
just like I would in high school whenever I saw them alone
and it doesn't matter now cuz she's married
she has a couple kids and sometimes I look down at my arm and I wonder if it was worth it
but I know I could do better than that
and I know I could do worse and I have
I get the feeling that you're sneaking up behind me
but you already knew that
but you keep leaving trails of blood and guts that lead into the woods
I'm gonna follow them although I know I shouldn't
but I need a little bit of closure and I need a little bit of sleep
and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me
but how does it feel to be successful
how does it feel to be anybody
and how does it feel to be living with your boyfriend
in a major metropolitan city
but I don't feel bad
I bet you do
You'll probably wind up dead in your Prius
body dumped in a river in Texas
and I hope that the next time you see us you'll be addicted to drugs like the rest of us
well I'm addicted to drugs like the rest of us
you'll be addicted to drugs like the rest of us
well I'm addicted to drugs like the rest of us
you keep leaving trails of blood and guts that lead into the woods
I'm gonna follow them although I know I shouldn't
but I need a little bit of closure and I need a little bit of sleep
and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me
and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me
and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me
and I'm gonna march up and over this mountain even if it is the end of me
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10. |
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The best feeling ever is driving very very very very fast
down deserted roads at one in the morning
with my windows rolled down and its 32 degrees out
I could almost swear that I'm flying
and the best feeling ever is just buying you food
watching that happy look spread across your face
best $13.98 that I think I'd ever spend on two bowls of mac and cheese
and the best feeling ever is when you pick up the phone
when I call you after just one ring
and I know you were probably just on facebook or something
but you talk to me without hesitating
the best feeling ever is just driving home from work
when it's cold out and we have nothing left to do
we'll watch some TV we'll make a pizza
maybe finish a wine bottle or two
but you know me
I'm a sucker for being sad when I should be happy
cuz I'm the ultimate killjoy the ultimate pain
the best ever nomad at staying in place
if you could find your way up here
I'd find mine out just as quickly
by the time you made it up to Trinidad
I'd be hiding out in salt lake city
in the heart of the fire
in the belly of the beast
the city I was born in never looked that good to me
cuz I'm the ultimate killjoy the ultimate pain
the best ever nomad at staying in place
if you could find your way up here
I'd find mine out just as quickly
by the time you made it up to Trinidad
I'd be hiding out in salt lake city
in the heart of the fire
in the belly of the beast
the city I was born in never looked that good to me
no amount of Xanax or Lexapro or Celexa will ever fix this
serotonin machine's broke
could I get you something different
It's been this way since I was 12
nothing really changes
except the fact my medicine are now slightly less than prescription
and I keep having this dream
that they find you under a bridge
body all torn and mangled
and eyeballs missing from their sockets
after months of investigation they will find them
You''re proud but also scared of me
and I think that that makes sense
cuz out of everyone you know well I'm not one of them
You''re proud but also scared of me
and I think that that makes sense
cuz out of everyone you know well I'm not one of them
that punk kid who did well in school
I graduated summa cum laude
Immediately got a job out of college and moved up to Rapid City
in the heart of the fire in the belly of the beast
the city I was born in never looked that good to me
cuz I'm the ultimate killjoy the ultimate pain
the best ever nomad at staying in place
if you could find your way up here
I'd find mine out just as quickly
by the time you made it up to Trinidad
I'd be hiding out in salt lake city
in the heart of the fire
in the belly of the beast
the city I was born in never looked that good to me
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11. |
Occam's Razor
03:25
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The feeling I get when I'm driving home and it's foggy outside and my lights are on
and it raining hard to it's me versus the water
and my mind is cloudy and my eyes are glazed
and I will take a drink to ease the pain and
think about everything that I think that I've ever done wrong
but the laws of physics are hard to break so I'll be
breaking hard when the car started shaking
and end up wrapped around a tree like it's my closest friend
they'll be blood and guts and organs and squirrels nibbling on what's left
no I never meant to hurt you
I was just trying to do right
you know I was stuck in high school
and now I'm trying to apologize
no I never meant to hurt you
I never thought talking could do any harm to anyone
and I know I have no right to keep writing you these songs
the feeling I get when I'm stuck at work and I'm
sneaking drinks behind the cooler
and no one will ever figure out that anything's wrong
I'll be slurring my words and tripping on my own feet
I'll be bouncing around and acting oh so happy
and by the time they figure it out it'll be too late
but the laws of physics are hard to break
so I'll be breaking hard when the car starts shaking
and accidentally end up killing a family of four
I'll never make it home and I'll never eat your dinner
no I never meant to hurt you
I said that I was always fine
and I know I'm dead and buried
It's too late to apologize
no I never thought talking would do any harm to anyone
and I know I have no right to keep writing you these songs
no I never meant to hurt you
I said that I was always fine
and I know I'm dead and buried
It's too late to apologize
no I never meant to hurt you
I said that I was always fine
and I know I'm dead and buried
It's too late to apologize
no I never meant to hurt you
I said that I was always fine
and I know I'm dead and buried
It's too late to apologize
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12. |
||||
Somewhere in the desolate land between Lubbock Texas and Portales New Mexico
there's a firework stand with this weird off green coloring and the black sloppy letters give me hope
and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
not the stab wound the burn marks the unkind words
but if you gotta go
I think you should go
get outta dodge so I can cry alone
and if you gotta leave well I think that you should
get some help you know I would if I could
somewhere in the desolate land between Lubbock Texas
and Denton just off campus
there's a cigarette but with my lipstick on it
starting wildfires and burning acres to ashes
it'll be so pretty
watching the sunset over miles of fire
as I have trouble breathing
and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
not the loneliness or the stolen shirts
but if you gotta go
I think you should go
get outta dodge so I can cry alone
and if you gotta leave
well that's alright
I hope I see you one day before I die
Somewhere in an empty house on Arizona
I left you to fend for yourself
left you a couple songs and my PlayStation
I know my whiny bitch ass is no help
now nothing is the same as it was when you were here
I miss getting high and playing star wars on my floor while drinking beer
and I miss those years more than I miss the 18 that were before
steven listen up this is for you cuz you are my brother
and I love
everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
not the leaving the goodbye the unsaid words
but if you gotta go
I think you should go
get outta dodge so I can cry alone
and if you gotta leave I understand
I hope one day I get to see your face again
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13. |
||||
Always the black sheep
never the favorite
I bet you know what I mean
grew up in a small town
you were always the best at whatever you were trying to be
and all of your friends well they're big big dicks
and I guess that's not that surprising
the constant dysphoria you get
and I hope to god I'm helping
but I gave up way too early
started working shitty jobs that I hate
and I hope you don't look up to me
even when i'm up so high on that stage
cuz I know well enough to know that you deserve the best
I hope you make it out of that town and make it to Texas
breathe in
act out
pop some poison in your mouth
always the reject, never the first choice
I bet you know what that's like
went to school in a small town ad I got fucked up almost every night
I made some bad habits
I'll carry them to my grave
when I die at 29
probably never seeing you again cuz we both know
we're running out of time
and I gave up
way too early
started hating shitty things like my job
I hope to god that you forget me by the time that you're grown up
cuz I know you well enough to know that you deserve the best
I hope you make it out of this town and back to Texas
breathe in
act out
pop some poison in your mouth
always the high school loser that would grow up to do great great things
I always thought that loophole would someday apply to me
now I see things are just as they seem
once a loser always a loser
now I know just what you called me
once a loser always a loser
now I see things are just as they seem
once a loser always a loser
now I know just what you called me
once a loser always a loser
and I gave up way too early
started working shitty jobs that I hate
and I hope you don't look up to me
even when I'm up so high on that stage
cuz I know well enough to know that you deserve the best
I hope you make it out of this town and back to Texas
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
once a loser always a loser always a loser
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14. |
||||
First time I had a drink I was sitting in your bedroom
made an appointment to follow up later that week
and the first time I got drunk I was sitting in the back room with my boss
he said you look a little down
can I offer you some HappyHappy
and then the shaman was born
he knew how to take away the pain
just like his father before him
he knew he would die alone someday
hey hey
hey hey
and then things started picking up
he was wild and free
fell asleep next to beer cans
on a futon that was never made for sleeping on
and no one really cared cuz he minded his own
the life of the party hiding alone in his bedroom
on his knees
praying to a god that he never believed in
that the people that he loved would one day love him
and praying to a god that he used to believe in
that the people that he loved would make it to heaven
praying to a god that he never believed in
that the people that he loved would one day love him
and praying to a god that he used to believe in
that the people that he loved would make it to heaven without him
and then the shaman was born
he knew how to take away the pain
just like his father before him
he knew he would die alone one day
hey hey
hey hey
and then the shaman was born
he knew how to take away the pain
just like his father before him
he knew he would die alone someday
hey hey
hey hey
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15. |
Sobriety at Its Worst
03:56
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Didn't have a drink last night but I would hardly call myself sober
been drinking hard for months on end
gonna be one hell of a hangover
and there hasn't been a night in a long long while I didn't finish off with a beer or whiskey
singing oh my god singing me oh my
my insides must look so squeaky squeaky clean
but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol
and my time spent in bathrooms
the months I spent spinning
the angry angry angry angry feeling
not gonna have a drink today but I still wouldn't call myself sober
cuz I know myself and I'm afraid that I'm never gonna get better
and I'd rather take it a day at a time cuz I think that's what I'm supposed to do
but if I set goals I tend to fuck them up and I hate it when I lose to myself
but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol
and my time spent in bathrooms
the months I spent spinning
the angry angry angry angry feeling
so I tend to quit while I'm ahead
it's better for my self-esteem to give up before I started
anything
ever
in my life
plus not remembering the day before it helps me sleep and night
but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol
and my time spent in bathrooms
the months I spent spinning
the angry angry angry angry feeling
but Sasha thinks I should write a song more critical of alcohol
and I think that she's right
and I think that tonight
I'm gonna call up all my closest friend
I'm gonna tell them I love them and tell them I miss them
then tell them I'm dying then tell them I'm kidding
then tell them I feel like it so kinda sorta not really
but I shouldn't have to feel this bad until I feel I can tell you that I love you
I can tell you that I love you
wanna tell you that I love you
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16. |
One Trick Pony
04:05
|
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Like the criminal mastermind you know that you are
always playing the victim whenever you can
you'd burn down half of Gotham city just to impress your friends
and I don't know why you thought I'd be impressed
when you set your hair on fire
well I get it
no really I get it
anything self-destructive is a thing I must admire
and it is
well I hope that everything's fine and everything's alright
when your mom calls you sound happy
you'll tell her everything fine and everything's alright
then proceed with all the awful things about me
my drinking my lying my smoking my bleeding
the skipping my classes so I could keep sleeping it off
Like a one trick pony who never got his one trick down
I'll never be the star of the circus
I'll never make my pony parents proud
But I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright
when my mom calls I'll sound happy
I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright
change the subject ask how my sisters are doing
with the drinking the lying the smoking the bleeding
the skipping their classes so they could keep sleeping it off
but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school
but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school
but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school
but maybe we'll get along like we used to back in Texas back in high school
when I wasn't singing
I don't want to be Mormon I never want to feel the guilt or pain again
I never wanna be walking from my locker to the front doors of my high school
come face to face with Lydia Anderson
and look her dead in the eyes and lie through my teeth
cuz if she tells her dad what I've been saying that'll mean a lot of shit for me
we're talking meetings after meetings
like Zach and Lauren did
and everyone staring at me as I refuse the sacrament refuse the sacrament
I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright
when my mom calls I'll sound happy
I'll say that everything's fine and everything's alright
change the subject ask how my sisters are doing
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